My P***s Take 2 

‘IT HURTS! I screamed

“Why?” asked the nurse in ICU at KGH.

“You’ve left my catheter in now for five days straight! You need to take it out, to take me to Physio!”

“Not necessarily. Let’s look.

Oh God! Not a very nice sight is it. Let’s check and see. There are no bathrooms in ICU if you are in ICU you are assumed to be too sick to get up and go to the washroom. Do you think you could make your way to the bathroom on a ward. At least use an urinal? Let’s see if you can stand.

“I only have one leg, so my fake leg please, or a wheelchair.”

“Just a minute.” She left and corralled the “hospitalist” for the ICU for that day and another nurse.

“Um, may I remind you. “MY PENIS HURTS!! “Shock, awe, and wonder. Very strict rules especially, about shouting.

“Ok, I can see you’re slated for PT and OT and an X-Ray. All easier if you don’t wear a catheter.

I breathed a huge sign um sigh of relief.

“Are you stable?” she asked.
 Not a time for jokes. They see a history of mental illness on your chart you  are treated differently. So. “ Well actually with my stump on the bed and my foot on the floor, yes.

 “Hang on. We’re waiting for a nurse who specializes in removing catheters, and here’s a doctor for the yes or no.”

A hospitalist is a new category of doctor. Essentially it’s the General Practitioner for the hospital. With the shortage of GPs and doctors generally they have made up new categories and job descriptions with more responsibilities all down the line. Much to my dismay I have been treated by an “Addictionist”

who nearly killed me and why I am in the ICU in the first place, but as always there are also good addictionists, one found an artificial opioid that comes packed with the antidote Naloxone already in the pill, so I’m told. Since we’re really talking about my penis here I’ll talk about opioids in the Abject Alphabet under the letter O. Here you see we are still in the hard fast grip of the letter P.

And in the grasp of a catheter removal specialist, who I learned later had a good track record in working with complex (code now for problem) patients. I removed any doubt the ICU had done a great job of sucking out my lungs, I shouted one last time in this ICU anyway, MY PENIS HURTS! “

The nurse who suggested I find a focus point, used her firm grasp of the situation to quickly pull out the catheter, so it was out by the time I caught my breath again. My wife Michelle, my health advocate, thought she left me in pretty good hands, and she needed to pee. She wheeled her way to the nearest accessible washroom which was not really big enough to accommodate her power chair with the door shut.

Meanwhile. “Lie down now please, there’s still a good cleaning needed.”  I was now relieved of the most grievous pain of that day, I could try to relax, deciding I was not going to complain as two nurses discussed the merits and demerits of foreskin. For one nurse it was the first time she learned to clean a foreskin, and yes, let’s call it, my penis. I remembered mother’s release of my zipper caught penis when I was five. No cookies now, though, over 60 years later.


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