May 8, 2013 – Request for photographer to attend my hip replacement surgery.

Victor Enns                
200 Lenore Street
Winnipeg, MB R3G 2C5
[email protected]

204.774.9560 or
204.945.7581

Dr. Laurie Barron
c/o Pan Am Clinic
75 Poseidon Bay
Winnipeg, Manitoba

 

Dear Dr.  Barron;

I am writing to ask your permission and support for art photographer Richard Hines to attend my scheduled hip replacement surgery on June 14, 2013.

I’m a writer. Usually I write what I know, as the adage has it, though I also understand it’s an encouragement to know more. I am getting to know my body as it ages in some unexpected ways. I have had eight surgeries, spanning most of my life – from my hernia when I was three or four to the right foot bone fusion surgery completed this February by Dr. Hammond. I hadn’t left enough time for my photographer to be available for the right foot surgery performed by Dr. Hammond on February 28^th who gave his permission provided the surgical team at HSC was willing for Richard to be present.

I think I completed my last hip replacement pre-operative requirements today; the hip x-ray at the Hip and Knee Institute and completing and mailing the patient pre-admission form. I will do everything I can to be sure to have the surgery as scheduled as it will relieve a great deal of pain, and a successful surgery is my most important priority.

Though the word of mouth on hip and knee replacement is strongly positive (despite some disappointments, I’ve only actually heard one and the patient was over 80) there is very little known about the reality of surgery and recovery. 

I hope to turn my hip replacement experiences into an art project, collaborating with art photographer Richard Hines. www.richardhinesphotography.com. The project’s ultimate form will be determined by the work we do together, though I’m hoping for a gallery show for Richard with some of my text, and a book with text and photographs.

I have proposed to the WHRA media officer Heidi Graham that this is a unique case and an opportunity for the WHRA, the Hip and Knee Institute and Concordia Hospital to take some credit and provide a good news story, educating the public about how orthopedic surgery improves the lives of Manitobans.

There will always be grumbling about taxes, but I don’t complain. In addition to my 10 surgeries by the end of 2013, neurosurgeons Dr. Owen Williams and Richard Brownstone successfully removed an ependymoma in the 4^th ventricle of my nine-year-old son’s brain in 1995. I enclose a poem I wrote about that experience, and my summary cv to let you know this is a serious request for a serious purpose, and not a request I take lightly. I understand this is an extraordinary request.

Richard and I will be happy to sign all waivers and follow any regulations and requirements to ensure no impediment to you or your surgical staff.

Thank you for considering my request.

 

Sincerely,

 

 

Victor Enns

TUMOUR IN THE FOURTH VENTRICLE

            For Theo

 

Suspended, slung
in mid-air for surgery,
son, you are alive,
a metal halo,
screwed into your head
to still your head.

The swaggering neurosurgeon
cuts out a circle of your skull, pulls
it out like plug to reach your brain.
The careful knives know where
They have to go, removing
every evidence of tumour.

Learning to pray
Again, we wait
For the angel
To deliver you,
So lightly held
Back into our lives.

We rearrange what matters,
Make proimises we will
be unable to keep.
By evenin
The closure
Is handsomely sewn.
O what a beautiful scar!

 

(Theo had 33 radiation treatments and no re-occurrence. He was a radiation therapist at Memorial University Hospital in St. Johns. He’s back in Winnipeg working for Cancer Care in IT.

 

VICTOR ENNS                                                           Curriculum Vitae

 

Book Publications

2012– boy (Hagios Press, Regina)

2005 –  Lucky Man (Hagios Press, Regina) Nominated for Manitoba Book of the Year

1985 – Correct in this Culture (5^th House Publishing, Saskatoon)

1979 – Jimmy Bang Poems (Turnstone)

 

Anthology Publications

2007 –  A/cross sections, New Manitoba Writing  (MWG, Winnipeg)  2 poems

2000 –  2000% Cracked Wheat (Coteau, Regina), 2 poems

1987 –  A Sudden Radiance (Coteau Regina), 2 poems

1980 –  Draft (Turnstone, Winnipeg) 2 poems

 

Journal & Magazine publications & broadcasts

2011-    Wascana Review (Saskatchewan), 2 Afghanistan Confessions

             Rattle Magazine (California) 2 Afghanistan Confessions

2011 –   sein und werden ( UK online) Angst from the Involuntary Tongue                  

2009 – Rhubarb (Manitoba)  2 Afghanistan Confession)

2008 –  Poetry in Motion, Winnipeg Transit, June (from Afghanistan Confessions)

            Book Reviews, Winnipeg Free Press

2007 –  cv2; 4 poems & an interview

            Prairie Fire;  2 poems

            dANDelion; 5 letters from An Abject Alphabet

• Grain; 5 letters from An Abject Alphabet
  cv2 3 poems

1990’s – CBC Radio, poetry and commentaries; Winnipeg, local and national
1980’s – Freelance trade and magazine writing

 

Professional Work Experience
2006 –             Publications & Arts Consultant        Manitoba Department of Culture,  
                                                                                                    Heritage, Tourism

2005               Program Consultant                          Arts Stabilization Manitoba

2001-2005     Executive Director                            Winnipeg Film Group

2000               Administrator                                    Manitoba Periodicals Association

1997 – 2000  Founder & Editor                              Rhubarb Magazine

1993 – 1997  Executive Director                            Manitoba Arts Council

1992               Performing Arts & Touring Officer  Manitoba Arts Council

1991               General Manager                               Rainbow Stage

1988- 1991    General Manager                               Globe Theatre (Regina)

1982 – 1988  Executive Director                            Saskatchewan Writers Guild

1981  Founding Board member                                   Manitoba Writers’ Guild

Education

1979  – Bachelor of Arts; English and history; University of Manitoba;
creative writing with Myron Turner & Robert Kroetsch,

 

 

 

 

May 7, 2022
Kelowna, BC

I am looking for a GP again. I will write a different letter  think. This seemed to drive away doctors in droves. 

August 4, 2021
Dear (Prospective) Doctor,

Thanks to Murray Toews!

 

My name is Victor Enns. In my 66 years I have accumulated many experiences, stories, and ailments. There is some urgency to maintain my pain management routine as I will run out of my Percocet in less than two weeks. It is a small dose, none-the-less it is essential to keep me productive, happy, safe and out of bed. I need a new prescription of 5mgs Percocet (inc.325 acetaminophen) 4 times a day. I take it at 8 a.m., 12 noon, 4p.m., and 8 p.m.

I provided my doctor’s office in Gimli before moving with detailed instructions, which weren’t read carefully or taken into account when my GP went on holiday for the month of August. The doctor’s office and the Pharmasave in Gimli said, “No Problem,” in June. I have learned many hard lessons regarding prescription opioids, and there is ALWAYS a problem[1]. I believe I am taking the smallest amount of opioid I can possibly take to manage my pain. This medication has worked for over two years, without an increase in dose strength.

A physical, blood work, and comprehensive X-Rays, scans, MRIs…(I have had many but a while ago), would give you a good picture of my challenges. The attached short list of surgeries and depression chronology are thumbnail sketches.

I have pain in most every joint, my hips have been replaced (2012-2014) and I have had over half-a-dozen foot and ankle surgeries (Dr. Alan Hammond WHSC), and when I was his 1% of failed ankle fusions on my left, I chose amputation rather than a do-over. Luckily, I have no phantom pain. I had foot fusions in both feet, and there is a screw loose (insert joke here) in my right which isn’t going anywhere. Current pain centres on my spine (starting with spondylosthesis at the very bottom)to my neck and shoulders (recently x-rayed in Gimli, both arthritic, hands also.)

It will take time for us to get to know each other and build the needed trust for care. Unfortunately pain does not care about time, and if I can’t continue my pain medication I will be in acute as well as chronic pain. I hope you may help me. Since my GP is away I suggest you talk to my psychiatrist Dr. Jon Boman also at HSC in PsychHealth, likely in the ICAD unit, for his impressions and advice.

 

Jonathan Boman, MD, FRCPC (he/him)
Assistant Professor, Department of Psychiatry
Max Rady College of Medicine, Rady Faculty of Health Sciences
PZ162 – PsycHealth Centre

I enclose a copy of Love & Surgery, which provides what precision and compression I can bring to my lived experience. My email is [email protected].

[1] My highest dosage was 30 mgs a day after surgeries. Still a problem. I have tried CBD oil and THC, without results, but do the daily body scan MBSR (Jon Kabat Zinn version) daily. I receive psychotherapy every two weeks.  I hope to return to the swimming pool when it is possible once again.

March 8th, 20 22

1723 Large Ave, Kelowna, BC V1P 1L6

CIRCULATED TO DRS AND PHARMACISTS in GIMLI POST AMPUTATION

 

Dear Doctor, Dear Pharmacist

Please don’t misunderstand or judge me.

I plan to continue taking 5mgs of oxycodone four times a day beginning November 1^st, 2019. 120 tablets for 30 days is fine. I will sign a contract if that makes everyone feel better. I only ever expressed interest in Methadone because many doctors, according to current scientific literature, have begun to shift their patients from oxycodone to methadone because of the public out-cry about opioid overdoses. I wish it was this hard to get alcohol. (I don’t drink anymore, AT ALL!)

The maximum opioid dose in Canada, by the way, was 200 mgs a day, until just recently when it was adjusted downwards, to 100 mgs. No Problem. Please see the attached documentation. I am taking absolutely the lowest dose of oxycodone to manage my pain. I provide my back scans as evidence as to why, plus ask you to read the section called “Surgery” in my book Love & Surgery. I just gave a reading in Gimli on Sunday, will read next in Altona on Friday, and close in Winnipeg on November 6^th. Once I’m home, I’m hunkering down for the winter and to start work on my next project.

I need to take 20 mgs of oxycodone daily, to work, I do not EVER get “high.” All the opioid does, is take the edge of the pain so I can work.  The only one of my old “habits” I have left is coffee. This is because I have a trailer load of writing to do before I die. I can not write when I am in agonizing pain. Make no mistake that is what it is. There is a gap between what you hear on the news, and this guy standing in front of you asking for the minimum pain medication to work. I would like to continue my secondary oxycocet prescription for break through pain as needed. Thirty 5mgs tablets should last two months, as I split them.

I have taken some of the same anti-depressant medication for 20 years, no-one gives a care whether I am addicted or not, and my blister-packs are packed without me having to sound pathetic and beg. There are no long-term studies abut their long-term impact. I need psych meds to keep my mind in good shape for writing. I am stressed, but it’s a normal reaction to touring with my book. I finish on November 6.

My apartment is set up like a writing studio, no tv, no couch, no recliners. A dining table because I like to cook and need regular meals to balance my medication and prove to myself, I can enjoy one other activity besides writing. The other room is my bedroom where I spend a great deal of my time, resting, and/or meditating.  I live alone because I can not give proper attention to anyone else in my life except my sibs and my kids with whom I maintain a close one to one relationship, though I’m a lousy Opa.

Writing is now my life, and only pain stands in the way.

Sincerely,

 

 

Dear Jeff, (Gndy)

I’m dictating this letter in the word program, which seems to be the best at trying to capture what I am dictating. I’m getting back in touch because of the conference that’s coming up in Goshen, and my hopeful virtual attendants with new work. I will send you a copy of the email I sent and to Hildi try to sort out what it is that I’m actually doing.

I see how busy you are and I’m glad your desire to make work in the best possible sense of the word continues as does your work in the world. This is difficult now of course not just because of COVID but because of all the death and destruction in Ukraine that’s some of the names coming up starting to sound like places from which my ancestors came.

As always I can’t stop myself from sharing or possibly oversharing about what’s going on in my life and I’d appreciate an update as to how things are with you by the way that you are indeed retired and what that actually means For you.

I am hurtling downhill but still standing on my feet, well at least one human foot, and one prosthetic. I have been working on a number of projects since the release of love and surgery in 2019. I am working on a major project called listen here based on things I hear or listen to. The first sequence of 12 poems will be prompted or are being prompted by the string court cats of Murray Schafer. There is a section of Blues add a section of dispatches from the paint room

I have three more quartets to do I’m writing them all as guzzles GHAZALS. I am working on something called lookbook show which is on my website, and I got some startling news this morning that there might be some year end money left at the Canada council to actually fund the project one of those situations where you don’t really know which is worse that is getting the money or not getting the money I had already reconciled myself to not getting the money and with the number of health issues I do getting the grant will be hard work but I’ve never been afraid of hard work. This piece is about looking at pain and suffering…. but my own …. it is a self portrait, Then involving Murray Toews. It’s hard of course not to look narcissistic in this situation with all my puny sorrows as it were while the war wars are chasing the world to hell in a handbasket

it’s just a few minutes now before I do my daily noon hour Jon kabat Zinn meditation as part of my pain management I take very small doses of oxy neo 15 grams in the morning and 15 at night to manage the pain that comes from not having any cartilage. I have an appointment with a shoulder guy on Thursday. Shoulders and hands hurt like hell my back is fucked and apparently the pinched nerves that show up on a CT scan can be ignored or aren’t worth the risk of surgeries so my anxieties have to do reducing the number projects I want to finish before my time runs out.

I’m having language and other neurological/cognition  issues still hunting down a psychiatrist but have a psychologist at least for now I also continue to  take more or less the same psych medication that got me out of my worst depression in 2000.

I had the good fortune of meeting Michelle Hewlett on a disability dating site a year ago. she is disability advocate a former school principal PhD candidate in disability studies.
 Though born in Canada, her mother returned to England when she was two years old actually spent majority of her youth in northern England graduating from the University of Birmingham in music and music education.

We married on August the 27th year in Kelowna, using zoom to involve the children
She spends a great deal of her time in a powered wheelchair and soon I’ll be able to keep her company mine arrives on the 15th of May. I am so pleased that she welcomed me into her life and house in Kelowna which has a milder climate than Winnipeg.

My three children are doing very well. Fortunately they were all in secure employment complete with benefit plans and the ability to work from home when Covid struck.

with the exception of my son Alden, who teaches history 10 in a school in Victoria.
Alden’s wife Joanne who works in medical technology information systems add statistics,

Have 2 daughters, one 7 and the other four I think. joanne’s parents live on the island. He has solved the naming problem by changing his last name from Jerrett-enns, to Sefton Taking his wife’s family name.

My daughter bronwyn has been a bit of a surprise as he churns up the ranks at the Canada Revenue Agency at and astonishing rate. She was always very smart in numbers and letters both and has analysis skills that are much of demand now, plus he seems to be showing an ability be a good supervisor so I’m very proud of her as I am of my son Theo and his family.

Theo work also works in medical information technology at cancer care Manitoba where he started out as a radiation therapist. Fortunately by the time cobet hit he was working on the software tech and hardware side of things so he has been able to work from home throughout.

His wife Cass has been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. RA is subject my sister and I are both being checked out for to go along with the inflamations s that we’ve been having that are due to arthritis probably isn’t all wear and tear but it pretty much has the same result. Theo his wife Cass have a son and a daughter their daughter is 8 their son is three I think I’ve probably got the age is wrong I think it’s possible that Everett could be having a birthday or has already just had a birthday and is four.  I might I’m a less than great OPA. I have concentrated my attentions on the children directly we are on good terms. So that’s my story though I of course can’t help myself from wanting to send a few poems along but I’ll do that in a separate email I’m down to 10 minutes left so I’m gonna sign off on this letter and send it without much editing or any at all really so this is pretty much how well my dictation works and how my mind works before I have my meds undo at noon.

 

Dear Debra,

       I’m excited to submit Music for Men Over Fifty; Songs of Love and Surgery 4.0 (working title) to Radiant Press as a PDF file. These poems have been a work in progress since 2005 following the publication of Lucky Man in 2005; and boy (2014) bringing to a close a trilogy of my own Life Studies all published in Saskatchewan.  

Poetry royalties are usually insignificant considering the amount of accounting involved. My preference is receiving a total of $500 in two payments if you like, and 25 author’s copies, should you accept these poems for publication. An acceptance is important to me as this marks the conclusion of a Manitoba Arts Council grant specifically for this project. Nothing makes a funder happier than hearing the funded project will be published. I can wait for payment, but would like to know it’s possible.
         

A publication date is desirable so editing can begin and we can work on promotion together. I will be writing my first “My Left Foot” blog entry this week as I’m getting my first temporary prosthesis on Friday. If that’s not something you want to put on your site I’ll go directly to Patreon. Other promotional ideas include social media and even pre-sales if you can manage that. I received 50 likes on Facebook announcing this submission.

My hope would be for a Love and Surgery publication in 2019, fall if necessary but not necessarily fall. I have another manuscript at Turnstone (unlikely to be published) and will be starting my new pain room project this month.  If there isn’t a spot until 2020, I’ll cope, more important is an acceptance and knowing the actual intended publication date.

 I have an interest in working across several platforms, but any Internet collaboration with Radiant Press will be discussed in email, outside of getting this book in print. Thanks for your consideration.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Victor Enns

 

 

 

MY FIRST LETTER

Dear Max Ferguson,

My name is Victor Enns. I am a grade 12 student in the Mennonite Collegiate Institute, the oldest coeducational boarding school in Canada. The school has several other distinctions, and is renowned for its music program. I have enclosed two records of our choral singing that were made in the last two years under the direction of Henry Engbrecht. I hope you find something appealing on these albums that you might play on your show.

I love your show and I’ve been listening to you at whatever time of day you have been granted by the CBC. This is now more complicated because your broadcasts are on during regular school hours, so if you do choose to play something from these recordings could you let me know so I can tell the choirs when to listen.

Sincerely,Victor Enns
MCI
Gretna, MB

Author’s note: The letter was sent in 1972, the recordings made in 1970 (Peaceful River)  and 1971 (Age and Youth Unite). Max Ferguson did play a cut from the albums, but I can’t remember which. This marks my first adventure in promotion.

February 5^th, 2013

Hon. MINISTER OF HEALTH
Room 302 Legislative Building
The Legislative Building of Manitoba
450 Broadway
Winnipeg, Manitoba
R3C 0V8

 

Dear Minister,

I have received excellent care from the Canadian Health Care system from Saskatchewan and Manitoba Health throughout my life. I am happy to pay taxes and praise the doctors that provided physical and psychiatric care since my adult hood. Thanks to you and the hard work of many Canadians and representatives such as yourself the only cost outside of my taxes has been a need to be a strong advocate for my care, and that of family.

I am currently scheduled for a foot surgery that has been delayed twice, but the foot-bone fusion itself is not critical. Unfortunately I also need two hip replacements because of osteoarthritis, and the xrays show it’s bone on bone which is very painful. It’s important to be on two good feet (they fixed the right one very well last January, thank you Dr. Hammond) to carry my weight properly to be mobile as I need for my hip surgery recovery. So I’m happy to have a foot surgery date of February 28, and my first hip replacement surgery on June 14^th. I look for some pain relief at that time, but in the meantime I need to take painkillers.

A problem has arisen because neither the doctor who wrote the first prescription for Oxycodene (Pan Am Clinic– an excellent clinic) because he could see the problem of my hip and understand my pain, or the General Practioner who wrote one renewal when the Pan Am Doctor was away, have shown any interest in being the doctor to write the prescription I need today.

I am being treated like an addict, either because I used my 120 pills in 17 days instead of 20, or because I have a history of alcohol abuse, just recently overcome. I am also in treatment for Chronic Depression, but I am fighting everyday to continue working for the Province of Manitoba and not go on disability, because the last time I did at the Manitoba Arts Council I lost my job, and I need the stimulation and the routine of work to be healthy. My employer and my workplace have accommodated my needs and I am working from home for three days a week. The problem is pain management.

I’m beginning to feel as if my medical history is creating a difficulty for doctors to prescribe a narcotic. I had asked both of the doctors for a prescription of Nabilone, which is a THC based product and is used by my arthritic sister in B.C. and as Savitex, by a friend with MS.  My GP prescribed T3s and I tried marijuana from the street, but I didn’t like the way it made feel and I could never regulate anything to approximate a “dosage.” So I gave up on it.

In December I was diagnosed with gout, and as we do these days, I checked it out on the web and got the shock of my life, especially by looking at an image off gouty fingers as the joints in my fingers hurt. This was in December. I drank my last scotch – and just one on New Year’s Eve – having already given up beer. The truth is I had started cutting back in November, because a colleague in the office next to me died of liver failure.

Leonard Cohen has a song “Please Don’t Pass Me By,” which I relate to on another level completely today. I began to work on renewing my Oxycodone prescription last Wednesday after learning my GP was away until Monday, which is when I needed a new prescription.  I called my Pan Am Doctor, and was only able to leave a message about needing a renewal, and could he write one because my GP was away until Monday. I was called back from an assistant who says that at the last appointment I had agreed my GP would be responsible for writing my pain med prescription. I agreed because he had written them once before and so I expected him to do it again.  I said, he probably didn’t get the part of the message in which I had said my GP was away until Monday.  Yes, that was it, they would add that to the message and call me back Friday. There was no call Friday. Last night I took my last oxycodone tablets and went to bed.

My wife had agreed to drive me to the Corydon Clinic, which has been a wonderful facility, which has always treated me well, so that my GP could write me the pain prescription I needed. We arrived at the Clinic, just as my GP was leaving the building, and I said “wait, I need a new pain medication prescription, could you…..please…? “I’m not on until noon I’ll consider it then.”

He literally passed me by, because he probably had an important engagement – obviously more important than my pain. I went in to the clinic and asked whether any other doctor could help me, and the nurse said no. I handed in a note scribbled on the back of a grocery list indicating my current prescription was for 2 tablets 3 times a day; what I was actually taking was 2 tablets 3 times a day, plus one as needed, which meant I had run out 2 – 3  days before I should have. But that was what it took for me to remain as a productive member of my community and continuing to work everyday. No, they said no one could help me.

Shortly after noon (the GP must have be “on”), I receive a call from the Corydon Clinic, not from the cowardly GP who was afraid to talk to me, but from his poor nurse, who told me. “He will not write that prescription, he had never authorized that prescription, he only wrote it the one time because my Pan Am Doctor was away, and since it was the Pan Am Doctor that had started me (as if……this road to perdition….unsaid, my speculation)it would have to be the Pan Am Doctor who wrote the renewal. I appreciate the delicacy and the concerns about writing prescriptions for narcotics, especially for someone with my medical history, but it seems now, that no Doctor wants to be responsible for authorizing it, or even talking to his patient about it.

So I called the Pan Am Clinic, and got over emotional, but finally did get the message through to doctor. I am happy to report, he actually called and is seeing me tomorrow at 1:30 and I hope will write the prescription I need. It does mean I will have to call in sick in the morning, and as you can image, an employee looking forward to three osteo surgeries in the next 12 months does everything he can to protect his sick days. The conversations though went something like

“I thought we agreed your GP would write the pain med prescriptions”
“He won’t, I asked him directly.”
“Why do you think that this”
“Because of my medical history he probably thinks I am an addict.”
Are you.”
“No.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow at 1:30, you know you have to come in personally and I can’t give it to anyone else.

“Yes, Doctor.”

But really Minister, what else can I say. All doctors, you and I know, will believe that if I take oxycodone from now until July I will almost certainly be addicted to the drug, even if I’m not today[1]. This is wrong because……? The upside is I’ll have stopped drinking.  You do have to have a sense of humour about this kind of thing,

Today is February 4^th, my first hip surgery is June 14^th. So far I have not been able to get more than 120 tablets at a time, and maybe that’s a good thing, and maybe I have to live with whatever pain goes beyond the 120 tablets, and call in sick, but I started this last Wednesday, and every prescription seems to have a maximum of 20 days. How would you feel if you had go through what I have in the last five days to relieve your pain, and participate in your community, every 20 days, taking 5 days of your thinking and anxiety? 

 

Sincerely,  V

Victor Enns

[1] I am still not addicted in 2022. I have needed opioid pain management for ten years, and another ten years coming up. I still am productive. The stigma seems less in BC, and during Covid.

Dear Ted,

It’s Sunday, I appeared for work at 10:00 AM like I always hope and I will somehow last till noon. The business of the kind of work that I do, is of course eating up writing time. I’ve decided to change the name of the manuscript called spontaneous combustion (SC)  that I sent you to always breathe, too hard to explain in too long the first title was. SC it was poems that stood on their own instead of standing on their own but inside a project a project book inside along long poem though there are a few inter related poems.

I’m doing this in part because I’m making a submission to thistledown. Yes sisel down, because Elizabeth Phillips is their editor now. So I’m going to be very careful and clean they only look for 20 to 30 poems to start and as I said this was to be my one PG rated manuscript. There’s only two F bombs in it I think, and very little sex nothing too embarrassing. So who would be interested in a book like that well maybe thistledown.

They are a little fresh by asking for a marketing plan or essentially answering the question so who is going to read this book? How could you help sell it. And likely I will play the disability card as we call these things now not that disabled people will want to read it particularly but people who are glad they’re not disabled may want to read it. Again not how I plan to phrase it in my submission.

I am lightly dizzy, and have been having more language confusion that is finding the word or getting my tongue around it when they do. This made me laugh. Pronouns and everything.

Mostly I’m concerned about my mental health and I am seeing (Zoom) my grad student PhD student Ian on Tuesday for half an hour as we try to sort out what might be possible. I have also asked for a complete neuro psychological assessment which is done or can be done at a lower price at the university of British Columbia Okanagan campus, likely linked in some way with UBC directly. This hopefully will confirm what I have been experiencing. Everything slips away. Of course the preference would be for the opposite answer;  you’re fine boy you’re making it all up. I of course have huge problems with denial since so many people have denied my illness over the years. But I’m certainly willing to take their word for it as it’ll make writing easier.I had a stupid little next

I had a stupid little tussle with Stuart Ross on Facebook who started a post off with something like “not that I want to start some big discussion here” but on then goes on to be totally amazed by rupi kaurs success as the poet, at least that’s what she calls herself I’m sure. I called him on “not wanting to start a big discussion, and he got really pissed off and missed the point completely because what I said was anyone that starts a phrase with not that I want to start a big discussion, is saying in fact yes I do want to start a big discussion. In the ensuing email exchanges fortunately out of Facebook I realize that is nowhere near as bright as I gave him credit for. He had stayed sober most of his life,  and he is/was the Toronto Younge street-corner poet selling poems for a quarter each or whatever it was that made him famous.

He’s had a string of successes and good for him he’s done some good writing also a lot of bad writing anyway I’m losing track here and I need to go on to something. I’m not sure why I needed to talk about Stuart Ross. But he tried to ignore my premise of his intention and instead wanted to talk to me about rupi kaurs poetry and I said I didn’t care about that one way or another I just pointed out it was a little disingenous to start a post like that when clearly he was trolling (“not that I want to start a big discussaion – over 60 replies…) anyway that’s the kind of thing that I can get sidetracked by I’ve gotta put in a paragraph break.

I have also just asked the Mennonite heritage centre art gallery for the opportunity to show look show there rather than at the cre8ert gallery which is not accessible. Their longtime director ray Dirks has gone, which may make this possible. On the other hand they may be too concerned about the content. Do you have any dead Mennonite poems? Murray and I have a opportunity to put together a 15 minute video cast initially called the “Mennonite book of the dead,” and then known as “Victor and Murray’s book of the dead,” and may just be called “dead mennonites.” I better stop now

This is for the Goshen Mennonites writing conference that begins as I said earlier on September the 29th. Here Hildi  gets to do a victory lap as having started “this?”  whole thing 30 years ago. BUT when I compare the intelligence of having a collegial relationship with Stuart Ross or Hildi Tiessen or you hell this is much more rewarding and not just because of the culture we share.

 Anyway  asked Murray to include a piece about his dead mother who he entered  (*whoops?  “interred”) last summer whose ashes hei nterred  last summer because of Covid was also delayed for over a year.

I’ve said 1000 words then he will animator illustrate for that same video I’m thinking of including Patrick friesen piece called ex nihilio which he’s done with his son Nikki. I’ve already v ideo pieces of got an aunt and two uncles, wwhose work has already been taped so we learn throw them into so that’s already five dead mennonites but there’s always room for more if I use patricks and if you had one that would be seven what I’d be looking for is something taped I think although there might be some live chat possible at the conference I don’t know I’m taking a lot of assumptions for granted. Haha anyway this is all for now Ciao!

 

With a light head

your friend,

Victor

 

I think I’ve notic ed the language falls apart the longer I go on. My back hurts. Etc…..

 

 

UNDATED

NOT SENT

“The final poems about rape at the hands of a man with a fishing knife humanize the speaker, making his adolescent triteness more palatable in light of stolen innocence “

“As a woman with a 13-year-old son, I was prepared to embrace Enns’s Boy, but he remained aloof, unsure of his own loveableness. I expect male readers, who recall a time when they too were more absorbed with sticking beans up their bums than levelling decks, may appreciate this invitation to step back to a less responsible time.”

====

Angeline why did you do this? I came across this again today and understand even less now.

The boy is unlovable because of his child sexuality, and his poor understanding of it and his understanding HIS mom would feel like you. 

Writing is to be palatable? boy is punished for his triteness. ALSO he is NO ADOLESCENT, the sex play I write about was with kids under ten, teens would not, preteens would not, shove beans up each others bums. These were “boy” boys. A boy shown  by someone 8 yearsd older how to masturbate in the hayloft. Have you spent any time in the country? Yuck.

I’m trying toi prepare myself for Donna Bessel’s book Can I exzpect her writing to be palatable.  You know how many people say…all of them so far…I couldn’t possibly read about that! Well at least there is a record. The sexual assault was when I was 10 or 11 tops. The sex play was used to molest me. “I’ll tell” And it was trite! Had he told my parents about my playing I would hasve been strapped, likely black and blue. Instead.

I needed my father to protect me. I needed God to protect me. Instead I was put out there and thought what happened was my fault, and if my parents found out I would be strapped. My innocence was lost much earlier, in the hayloft, in the tour of pour property after being strapped black and blue for being late for supper. My parentsn were worried. What did my Dad do? He strapped me. Then made me walk around our three acres with him pulling me along and me in tears.

I clarify the whole molestation scene under the story “My bum” in the film about my letter B in the Abject Alphabet.You shopuld watch it.  You know I thought I was finishewd with this when I could bring such clarity to the story…and that’s it, the event becvomes story. But no I see you gift Dora Dueck and immediately I think of my lump of coal.

So am I to think  I deserved to be sexually assaulted because I was a dirty boy?  It was this child’s play that was held against me, as well as the fish knife, used by the pedeophile to assault me. AND THEREFORE I DID NOT DESERVE LOVE. There is a DIRECT connection between “playing doctor”(which is not trite, I am sorry), BUT I” cannot look at my father’s face”. I wrote this as plainly as possible so people could see the pain. The earlier poems were the story held against me by the pedophile. I was stupid and naive enough not to see where opur conversation and rowboat was heading….

 Your views in this review are a good example of why boys don’t tell their mothers or fathers they have been assaulted. Mind, the boy would have to believed first, not? And what kind of boyman would he be if he LET  it happen? I was dressed provocatively, yes? Just shorts and a t shirt?

I thought of this becvause of the nice words you had for Dora Dueck. Deserved but I’m tired of this lump of coal.you wrote me….Throw it into the fire.

The fact that I let it stand in the Rhubarb mag even thought it waas not “true” I likely didn’t even kn ow not being that close to its workings then or maybe I was…..means I believe I should be treated liked this.

I will always write about sex as well as love. It’s necessary because it is was a major cause of my mental illness. something else missed in this. But being able to work and love which I strive for are the best signs of mental health.  This more recently after my weddi g in Kelowna. Thew pain in this one is all physical.

 

 

 

SEVEN years later

Wednesday    March 18,       2020

94        First    Avenue,          Suite   505    

Gimli,  MB,     R0C     1B1    

           

           

Dear    Dr.       Adegebesang,(Ade),

           

It         will      be        no        surprise          that     I           will      need    to         increase          my       Percocet         dosage,           after more   than    a          year    at         5mgs   x          4/day  for       20mgs.            I           have    had      some   terrible           pain    this      last week,  mainly in         my       back    and      spine.  8+        is         what   I           called  it          on        Facebook        on        a          scale    of 1          to         10.                  

           

“With  Percocet        5          mg/325          mg,      the      maximum       daily    dose    is         12        tablets.            With    7.5/325,         the maximum       dose    is         eight   tablets”           UK       site      (will    confirm           source)                      

           

If          7.5       mgs     are      available         here,   would it          not      make   sense  to         leave               the      number          of times   I           take     it,         that     is         4          times   a          day,     but      to         increase          from    5mgs   to         7.5       mgs?   I need    to         keep    my       head    as        clear    as        possible          and      my       medications   as        simple as        possible.         I’m also     trying  to         keep    my       Seroquel         dose    to         100     mgs     at         bedtime          for       the      same   reason.           

           

Nothing           would change            but      the      strength          of         each    oxycodone      tablet, from    5mg    to         7.5mg 4 times   a          day      for       a          total    of         30        mgs     in         a          day.     I           now     take     20        mgs     a          day.     I would still      be        at         half      (50%) of         the      8          tablet  maximum.      If         2.5       mg       tablets are      available, enough           could   be        supplied         now     for       “as       needed”          to         the      end      of         my       current subscription   at         the      end      of         the      month.                       

           

I           have    tried    on        just      a          few      occasions       to         take     10        mgs     of         Percocet         at         once,   and      it’s still      too      much  medication     at         one      time    if          I           want   to         maintain         my       creativity        and      keep working/writing.     

           

I           am       pleased           to         have    made   an        appointment  to         see      you      for       today  at         1:00    pm.                 

           

           

Sincerely,       

           

Victor  Enns   

           

1. Dr. Robert Steinberg,       Psych  Health 771                

(204)   782-3377       (cell/text)